Funny Quotes And Sayings. Looking for the best funny quotes collection by famous authors and comedians. Join the fun with our funny quote of the Day on the web, Facebook and blogs. A list of the shortest 79 funny sayings. I advise learning these hilarious sayings well, you never know when you might need them!
Hottest funny quotes collection of all time. Quote of the day “If you work just for money, you’ll never make it, but if you love what you’re doing and you always put the customer first, success will be yours.” “When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.
Here is a great collection of witty funny sayings that is sure to put a smile on your face. Cast your vote for the best saying and see which phrases other people liked. Easy to read a list of the most hilarious phrases ever spoken. Perfect for sharing, blogging, and tweeting.
Funny Quotes And Sayings
1. “You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it”
2. “I have three moods: 1. What the fu-k? 2. Are you fu-king kidding me? 3. Fu-k this.”
3. “I’m not fat, god have me airbags cause I’m precious.”
4. “Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed, and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.”
5. “I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.”
6. “Faith is like wi-fi, it’s invisible but it has the power to connect you to what you need.”
7. “Bitch please, your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.”
8. “I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”
9. “20 year old me never thought I’d get this excited about ‘sleeping in’ until 7 am.”
10. “It’s called karma, and its pronounced ‘haha fu-k you’”
11. “You’re cute, can I keep you?”
12. “The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.”
13. “Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.”
14. “May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.”
15. “Run for your life! There are stupid people everywhere!”
16. “Roses are red violets are blue poems are hard… beer”
17. “Be happy, it drives people crazy”
18. “I’m saving you a seat in my future, just in case you want to be part of the journey”
19. “I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure.”
20. “I really do try to see the best in people. But seriously.. Some of you fu-kers are making it so damn hard.”
21. “I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them”
22. “I just checked my account balance at the atm. It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.”
23. “Never force anything. Just let it be. If it’s meant to be, it will be.”
24. “At night I can’t sleep. In the morning I can’t wake up..”
25. “Why do people ask “how was work?” Like, work is work… I would rather be in Europe right now, naked on a yacht, while destroying my liver… …but here I am.”
26. “Don’t mind me, I’m just returning your nose. I found it in my business again.”
27. “OMG, I have finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left..”
28. “Yes you are allowed to have other friends, you just have to love me more.”
29. “I have two moods: 1. Constant panic and worrying about every little detail 2. It is what it is”
30. “There is no angry way to say bubbles.”
31. “I used to just crastinate, but I got so good, I went pro.”
32. “Math mental abuse to humans.”
33. “Finding friends with the same mental disorder priceless!”
34. “ ‘What inspires you to get out of bed everyday?’ Me: My Bladder mostly”
35. “The best things in life either make you fat, drunk or pregnant.”
36. “Me: Frick yes I’m going to be able to carry all this laundry in one go that one sock: lol bye”
37. “Boss: Why are you late? Me: Someone told me to go to hell. I couldn’t find it at first. But now I’m here.”
38. “I can read it! Can you??? Fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny smoe plepoe cna. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluoad aulacity uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. Thephaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at cmabrigde uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mniddeos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed tihs sahre it.”
39. “I didn’t do it oh wait that…. Yes I did do that…”
40. “A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.”
41. “If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be a while.”
42. “Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.”
43. “A great attitude becomes a great mood. Which becomes a great day. Which becomes a great year. Which becomes a great life.”
Short Funny Words
Funny words are fun to say. This is a collection of funny words and their meanings. Funny Short Jokes That Are Guaranteed To Make You Smile.
44. “I hate it when im singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.”
45. “True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people… Together!”
46. “I admit that my level of weirdness is above the national average, but I’m comfortable with that.”
47. “Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat bacon.”
48. “Once you hit a certain age you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of stuff.”
49. “Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at take time to thank a stupid person for their contribution.”
50. “Parenthood, the scariest hood you’ll ever go through.”
51. “ “Username or password incorrect.” …well at least tell me which one it is.”
52. “Trial and error, but mostly error. Like a shitload of error.”
53. “Every bad thing that happens today is a direct result of choosing to get out of bed”
54. “I’m never sure if I actually have free time or if I just keep forgetting shit.”
55. “You look like something I drew with my left hand.”
56. “When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance that it’s not happening I may even throw in a “Oh that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening”
57. “If you figure me out I want an explanation.”
58. “My wife says I have only two faults. I don’t listen and some other shit she was rattling on about.”
59. “I don’t know what’s tighter, our jeans or our friendship”
60. “Dear haters, I couldn’t help but notice that ‘Awesome’ ends with ‘Me’ and ‘Ugly’ starts with ‘U’”
61. “Don’t rush me, I’m waiting for the last minute.”
62. “Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.”
63. “Me: I’m finally happy. Life: Lol, wait a sec.”
64. “I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words”
65. “I wish my life had background music so I could understand what the hell is going on.”
66. “Oh sure, you’re street smart. Sesame street smart.”
67. “Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.”
68. “If you see me talking to myself, I’m having a staff meeting.”
69. “How to make sure you’re a normal person? 1) You have facebook 2) You have a cell phone 4) You’re wasting your time reading this 5) You didn’t notice there is no number 3 7) You just checked to see of there is no number 3 8) Where is number 6, idiot? 9) You’re now smiling because you know you’re an idiot 10) Where is number 1?? 11) You believed me and went to check! 12) You’re not normal at all.”
70. “I’m sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud?”
71. “Remember, as far as everyone knows we are a nice, normal family.”
72. “Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.”
73. “As I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.”
74. “Everybody just wants to be liked and accepted. Except for tom doesn’t give a shit”
75. “Life was much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits”
76. “old people at weddings always poke me and say “You’re next”. So, I started doing the same thing at funerals”
77. “My kids call it “Yelling” when I raise my voice… But I call it “Motivational speaking” for the selective hearing.”
78. “OMG, I have finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left..”
79. “Once upon a time I was hungry and that’s what happened to your chocolate”
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Funny Pictures and Images
Looking for the best Funny Pictures. Afternoon Funny Meme Read more 79 Funny Pictures · Top Funny Pictures of the Day and images for your blogs and facebook.
