Funny Golf Quotes: The vast majority of funny golf ball sayings and golf expressions are quotes from various sources that have great relevance to what you may witness on the golf course – or what you may be thinking! Perhaps it’s the depth of (often negative) emotion the average golfer feels as a result of the game that inspires. Consequently, being armed with a library of golf tales, jokes, funny sayings, and quotes is never a bad thing to throw them out as and when the situation demands.
Funny Golf Quotes and Sayings
- “My good shot just sailed over your lack of ambition.” ~ George Lopez, to Anthony Anderson
- “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” ~ Hank Aaron
- “Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.” ~ Buddy Hackett
- “I must have done some awful things in a past life for my golf game to get this type of karma.” ~ Marc ostrofsky
- “I showed up but my golf game didn’t.” ~ Beth daniel
- “When you should be able to find your ball but can’t, and your buddy says to take a free drop. Don’t mind if I do.” ~ Anonymous
- “The difference between a sand trap and a water hazard is the difference between a car crash and an airplane crash. You have a chance of recovering from a car crash.” ~ Bobby jones
- “I put more balls in the water than the men’s Olympic swim team.” ~ George Lopez
- “When you’re having a terrible round and your buddy asks what you got on the last hole… I don’t give a shit.” ~ Anonymous
- “Around the clubhouse, they’ll tell you that even god has to practice his putting. Even Nicklaus does.” ~ Jim Murray
Funny Quotes About Golf
- “Most new sets of golf clubs still include three-irons-even though most regular golfers would get more from a second umbrella.” ~ David Owen
- “If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up.” ~ Tommy bolt
- “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” ~ Gerald r. Ford
- “Given the number of things that can go wrong, there is no way to get them all right.” ~ Marc ostrofsky
- “Golf is a game in which perfection stays just out of reach.” ~ Betsy Rawls
- “It is often said that if a golfer’s mind is somewhere else while he is playing, it will show up most clearly in his putting.” ~ Gary player
- “I don’t enjoy playing video golf because there is nothing to throw.” ~ Paul Azinger
- “I carry two putters to let the first one know it better behave itself as it has competition.” ~ Larry nelson
- “Wouldn’t it be nice if the cost of golf clubs were like rental cars? You pay based on distance.” ~ Marc ostrofsky
Best Golf Jokes
- “Follow through: the part of the swing that takes place after the ball has been hit, but before the club has been thrown.” ~ Henry beard
- “Bad golf shots are like infomercials. ‘But wait, there’s more!’” ~ Marc ostrofsky
- “Reverse every instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do as you will probably come very close to having the perfect golf swing.” ~ Ben hogan
- “The only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And it took a seven to do that.” ~ Jim Murray
- “If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” ~ Jack Lemmon
- “I got some new golf clubs for my wife. Gee, I wish I could make a trade like that.” ~ Anonymous
- “Lord, give me tequila to deal with the shots I can affect and more tequila to deal with the shots I can’t.” ~ Beverle ostrofsky
- “Ever wonder if the golf gods need to smoke after fucking you on the course?
- “Lost: one confident putting stroke. Last seen about six weeks ago. Reward if found.” ~ Anonymous
Funny Golf Sayings and Quotes
- “You are similar to my golf ball… Neither of you listens when I talk to you.” ~ Anonymous
- “I hate golf. I hate golf. I hate golf. Nice shot! I love golf.” ~ Anonymous
- “I’ve got all the shots in my bag. I’m just not sure which one will appear at any given moment!” ~ Dave Stockton, jr.
- “Talking to a golf ball won’t do you any good unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.” ~ Bruce Lansky
- “I think I’ll go cold turkey in the end and build golf courses. I’ll torture other people.” ~ David Feherty
- “My handicap, my weight, and my wife are the only three things in my life that won’t go down.” ~ Marc ostrofsky
- “Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result.” ~ Tommy armor
- “Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill-adapted for the purpose.” ~ Woodrow Wilson
- “Fairway: a narrow strip of mown grass that separates two groups of golfers looking for lost balls in the rough.” ~ Henry beard
Funniest Golf Quotes
- “The reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Baseball reveals character; golf exposes it.” ~ Ernie banks
- “Many golfers prefer a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.” ~ Anonymous
- “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.” ~ David Feherty
- “It’s amazing how many people beat you at golf when you’re no longer president.” ~ George h.w. Bush
- “I owe everything to golf. Where else could a guy with an IQ like mine make this much money?” ~ Hubert green
- “No man has mastered golf until he realizes that his good shots are accidents and his bad shots are good exercise.” ~ Eugene black
- “I’ve thrown or broken a few clubs in my day. I guess at one time or another I probably held distance records for every club in the bag.” ~ Tommy bolt
- “If golf wasn’t my living, I wouldn’t play it if you paid me.” ~ Christy O’Connor, sr.
- “Golf course architects can’t play golf themselves and make damn sure no one else can.” ~ Anonymous
Funny Golf One Liners
- “I’ve seen lifelong friends drift apart over golf just because one could play better but the other counted better.” ~ Stephen Leacock
- “Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can’t resist the impulse.” ~ Jackie Gleason
- “Even the optimistic golfer carries a ball retriever.” ~ Marc ostrofsky
- “Behind every successful pga golfer is a surprised mother-in-law.” ~ Marc ostrofsky
- “If you call on god to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using ‘an outside agency’ and subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf.” ~ Henry Longhurst
- “Driving 300 yards will only be accomplished in my lifetime by sitting behind the wheel of a golf cart!” ~ Brian Rott, owner of the cart mart
- “Most people play a fair game of golf. if you watch them.” ~ Joey Adams
- “It is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf. The worse you play, the better you remember the occasional good shot.” ~ Nubar Gulbenkian
- “I told my wife I lost 250 calories on the golf course today. While I was teeing off, a squirrel took my chocolate chip cookies.” ~ Marc ostrofsky
- “I’m into golf now. I’m getting pretty good. I can almost hit the ball as far as I can throw the clubs.” ~ Bob Ettinger
- “Golf is played by 20 million mature american men whose wives think they are out having fun.” ~ Anonymous
- “The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing.” ~ Anonymous
70 Funny Golf Quotes and Sayings