Looking for the best funny words to laugh with friends and family. Here we share the best 60 funny inspirational quotes to inspire and motivated.
Funny Quotes and Funny Sayings
There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
-Laurence J. Peter
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
-Joe E. Lewis
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Funny inspirational quotes about life and happiness
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
We’ll love you just the way you are, if you’re perfect.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.
I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Short funny quotes and sayings
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.
Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year
Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
As a matter of fact is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.
-Laurence J. Peter
Sarcastic inspirational quotes
Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
-David Lee Roth
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Funny quotes about life and love
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.
-Charles M. Schulz
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Funny inspirational quotes for kids
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I’ve developed a new philosophy… I only dread one day at a time.
California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.
Funny Inspirational Quotes With Beautiful Images
Funny Inspirational Stories
A Parrot Which Never Talks…
There’s a guy who owns a parrot that never talks. So he goes to the pet shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is.
“Your parrot has too much hook in its beak, what you have to do is fill it’s beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You’ve got to be careful not to file it too far though because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink.”
The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says $100. So the parrot fancier decides he’ll do it himself.
A week or so later they bump into one another in the street. The pet shop guy enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet? The parrot owner says “the parrots dead”. Pet shop guy says “I told you not to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?”.
Ex-parrot owner says “Shit no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!!”